I've kept myself from posting this for two reasons: (1) I felt it would be misunderstood that I thought my struggles were worse or harder than yours, so here's your disclaimer: I've decided to write this, not for my own pity or selfish desires, but the pull on my heart is that someone else might need to hear read this (in fact I know this & I know some of you, what you've been through & my heart aches for you... know that I love you). In all honesty, I did not learn or come to this conclusion on my own, but from merely being a spectator of someone else's struggle (which was absolutely much tougher than mine), which brings me to my second reason: (2) I've had to mourn the loss of this person. I celebrate the fact we knew him & he changed my life through what he called his journey, (not struggle - that's my word), but deeply mourn the fact that the Kraze will not know him, however hope they indeed will by what I hope to carry on through my life and pass down to them.
My journey still feels too personal to share the details with you - maybe full transparency will come with time - but I'll tell you my faith has been tested in insurmountable (to me) ways since the Kraze was born. While I'm choosing to hold tight to the specifics for now at least, I'll share some thoughts I've had along the way...
- "Why when we ‘needed’ more did we all of a sudden have less?!"
- "Lord, in the midst of feeling emotionally drained, I at least needed my health."
- "How could this be?! Did I not pray hard enough?!"
- At this point, I wanted to stop asking why & was just angry.
- **In the midst of these struggles, we found out God had chosen not to heal the most Christ-like man we’ve ever had the privilege of knowing and calling our friend, Mack - "WHY oh why, God?!"
Mack's precious wife shared this verse months ago, which I needed at the time more than I realized, but wasn’t until later that I allowed it to penetrate my heart: “… In this you greatly rejoice, though now, for a little while, you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith OF GREATER THAN GOLD, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine, and may result in praise, honor and glory when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
During this time, Zach and I continued to watch Mack's journey from afar and felt completely inadequate in our faith. We witnessed him never “growing weary in doing good… and not giving up”; he never wavered in his faith. We heard him say more than once, "God is not mad at me. He loves me." Because of this witness, I’ve come to a place of thanking God for believing I’m stronger than I think I am and seeking the purpose in it all… His purpose.
So here’s what's been impressed upon me:
Your pain is probably not about you, but for the greater good, possibly of someone else. Someone in particular whose life could literally be saved by turning to Jesus because of your story. Isn’t that what happened on the cross?! God didn’t allow Jesus (who was truly perfect) to endure the pain & suffering of the crucifixion because He was being punished or because God didn’t love Him anymore (His own Son). That very pain & suffering (sacrifice) is what saved the world… the ENTIRE world… if we’ll just accept Him.
Right now, I don’t know who our story will touch or how it could change lives, but my hope & prayer is that we’ll hear His calling and use it for good (hopefully to be a good example for my girls). My prayer is that I can be an example of how “hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.” - Isaiah 40.
I've titled this 'A TransformATION of Faith, not TransformED (past tense) because I'm still walking through this journey, one step at a time a little further down the path from Plans for Good. I still don't have answers, I don't understand, but I now understand it's not about me... it's about honoring a God that loved me (and you) first by following in Jesus' and Mack's footsteps of allowing God to use me to transform lives... to bring people to Him.
Casting Crowns new song, 'Just Be Held' speaks to this so well & I feel like I can relate to every word:
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong as a mom this couldn't ring truer
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when youre tired of fighting
Chained by your control
Theres freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when youre on your knees and answers seem so far away
Youre not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
Im on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
Youll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
Youll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, youll understand
Im painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where youll find Me
And where you are, Ill hold your heart
Ill hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go
In honor of Mack, I'd love to share a few of my favorite ‘Mack Hannah Quotes’ that I will forever carry in my heart:
- “I'm not your example bc I drop the ball more than I carry it but I can tell you my journey/experience / share my story.”
- “Choose the next right thing.”
- "I'm just a begger telling another begger where I found some bread."
- "I don't want to do His job, I just want to do His work.”
- "I'm not in competition with anyone but Satan.”
- "I know I'm not what I should be, but I praise God I'm not what I used to be... one day at a time.”
- "Never focusing on the past but looking ahead and focusing on the goal.”
- “Because of Jesus, when I need someone to lean on, he's always there. Some may say it's a crutch, but when you’re crippled you need a crutch & I'm crippled.”
